Handling Divorced Parents
If your parents are divorced, there are areas which need very careful
handling when you come to plan your wedding.
As a "child of divorce" you will already be all too aware of
the delicate balancing act you have learnt over time. Although it is often
said parents divorce each other and not their children, you will know
it is not as simple as that. You will have developed your own strategy
for dealing with a mother and father who do not live together, and established
your own pattern for coping with the tricky problem of divided loyalties.
If the break-up of your parents has meant the loss for you of either
a mother or a father, then there may well be grief that once again both
your parents will not be there to witness an important day in your life.
On the other hand it may be that this is a new problem for you, since
some couples now seem to get divorced at a more advanced age: your parents
may have decided to "stay together for the children", and remained
a couple until they felt their parenting was done.
The traditional scene of father shuddering over the bills, and the mother
in a flap over arrangements can be overshadowed if the bride or groom
are grieving over a broken family. Great distress can be caused by the
extra problems this involves, like having to decide whether to choose
between having mom or dad at the wedding.
These are just the sort of things that do happen. It is surely unfair
for a bride to be told, "Your father decided to leave me for another
woman. If they are invited, count me out." The presence of a partner
of one parent often poses difficulties for the bridal couple.
The golden rule for the smooth running on "the day" is that
everything is discussed in good time before the event. At all costs embarrassment
must be avoided by grasping the nettle well in advance, and if your father
wants to bring along his new wife and this is against the expressed wishes
of your mother, then a decision must be made, and notice given, early
on in the planning stage. So what are you to do if one parent will not
attend if a former spouse wants to bring a partner? What if you have to
decide who will "give away" the bride - a father not really
involved over the years, or a loved stepfather? Where will everybody be
placed in the photographs or in the table plan?
The first step is to ask the advice of the parent you do feel closest
to, and talk about your dilemma. You may be surprised to find that a parent
will give way a lot to let his or her child have the day of their dreams
- a wonderful wedding. I know of couples who have been at daggers drawn
for years, but who will come together to give a child a very special gift,
by being parents together if only for a day. If this is to happen, then
it is up to you to ensure that any partner is also taken care of that
day, and not left out in the cold. Perhaps the help of a cousin or close
friend can be enlisted.
If a mother or father begins to lay down the law about who plays a major
part and who does not, it may be time to call the tune, and to say that
although you can understand their position, it is your wedding day and
you want it planned in such a way. If a parent finds it impossible to
bend at all, then sadly it must be their loss. Your wedding day is not
a day for old grievances and wounds to be reopened. So be up front with
all the people who will be affected and tell them what you have planned
in the greatest detail.
This day may be hard for divorced parents. Perhaps they will remember
the hopes and joy on their own wedding day, and the sadness of the dream
shattered. But, I repeat, this is your wedding day and a time for looking
forward to.
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