Getting Married Again?
Anyone who has ever been involved with planning a wedding knows of the
turbulence and tears encountered before the couple can be united. And
that is when it is the first time for both of the partners and relatively
uncomplicated. Issues such as what kind of ceremony, how many people should
be invited, and what to put on the wedding list, pale into insignificance
when a wedding second time around is being arranged. Questions arise "Should
my ex-in-laws be invited so as to see their granddaughter as a bridesmaid?"
and "My step-father gave me away the first time - is it okay to ask
him to do it again?"
There are even more serious and fraught issues to circumvent, and they
usually involve children from a previous relationship. Often men and women
decide to postpone getting married because of the minefield they could
see waiting for them if they went ahead. And yet this was, at times, an
unhappy decision, particularly if it was a "first" for one of
the couple.
Perhaps it is as well to keep in mind that it is never
possible to please all of the people all of the time. Because although
we must give thought to the couple wishing to marry and to make a public
declaration of their love and commitment to each other, there are others
who must be considered as well. For children, a wedding can stir up painful
memories about the first family and the break-up which followed. Some
children harbour a secret hope that their parents will, against all the
evidence, get back together again. The remarriage of a parent puts an
end to this hope. If there has been the death of a parent, and the mourning
process is incomplete, the news of a wedding may bring to the surface
unresolved feelings and emotions.
The news of a forthcoming wedding should be discussed between all the
adults. The co-operation of an ex-partner, if at all possible, is most
important when deciding who will tell the children and when they will
be told. To marry without a parent's approval is one thing, but to marry
without acceptance by your children, of any age, can be very painful.
If due consideration is given to the timing of the event, notice given,
and feelings aired, then the ground it being properly set for the big
event, and even more importantly for the future of the family. Children
need to know whether they will be affected and what, if anything, will
change for them. Research has shown that children not included in at least
part of the ceremony often find it more difficult to accept the stepparent.
One dilemma may be for a child who thinks her "other" parent
may well feel left out and not want the child to take part in a second
wedding ceremony. Will it be seen as a betrayal? Or acceptance of the
new stepparent? Another reason why discussions between the original couple,
from the beginning, are so important. These worries need to be considered.
Several parents told me they arranged for a favourite aunt or friend
to "shadow" a son or daughter through the actual wedding day.
Someone to keep a special eye on the child in case there were upsets of
in case a child felt left out.
Sometimes daughters may act as maids-of-honour who also may give a ring
at the ceremony. Sons sometimes acting as "best men" and others
who "give away" the bride.
It all adds up to the same thing, the necessity of careful planning and
preparation beforehand. Leave nothing to chance - take nothing for granted.
A wedding is a landmark in any family and those adults and children who
have been burned by the fallout of an earlier divorce or death of a parent
will be particularly sensitive to the meaning of the occasion. With some
planning, a lot of discussion, everything will be OK.
Marriage is not a fading institution, in fact there are twenty per cent
more marriages in general than a year ago. Marriages - and weddings -
are alive and well, but nowadays four out of every ten weddings are second
marriages for one or both partners. New patterns of wedding etiquette
have emerged, and so have the number of sites on the internet to assist
you with arranging your special day.
There is more choice now about where to marry, and for many couples this
means there is no longer the battle between a religious ceremony and a
local civic one. Again, the internet is the place to turn to for a selection
of places which are licensed to perform marriages. There are sites, too,
which help you design your own ceremony, you can even have your speech
written for you, and there are pages of wedding-friendly jokes to choose
from.
A wedding is a family affair and always an emotional event. Even a couple
who plan to keep the day simple and informal will find themselves caught
up in the hopes and expectations of other people. If a couple are paying
for their own wedding - very often the case with second weddings - they
are perhaps free of parental decisions. But with second wedding there
is a more difficult minefield to negotiate between several extra major
players. If either one of the couple has parents who are divorced, and
perhaps remarried, the complications are multiplied tenfold.
Even if you have been living together for sometime - and statistics show
that three-quarters of the couples now marrying have been sharing a home
- a wedding is a fresh landmark. Plan well in advance, leave nothing to
chance, and make this a day to remember.
For your bride or groom this may be a first wedding so it is important
to keep this in mind. Make sure your new partner is in no doubt that you
are fully involved in the planning of the wedding, and that you do not
feel a second wedding means it is going to be second best. Gather people
together on the day whom you love and who love you, and who wish you well
in your future life together. Keep in mind, everyone loves a wedding and
if you have given a lot of thought to the feelings of parents, children
and most of all your bride or groom you will have a wonderful day to remember.
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